I had my class at church tonight and I really felt numb all day with the decision to go back on birth control. Maybe it's that my period stopped within a matter of hours (we'll see if it stays stopped for good...) or maybe it's because I haven't had a chance to process any of this, but I really didn't think about what it all really meant or how I really felt.
I had my class tonight and our homework assignment for our small group was to share how God blessed us from ages 0-7, ages 8-12, ages 13-18, and ages 18+ .... The number one thing people said God blessed them with was their children. These women kept talking about what an amazing blessing it was to be able to hold their child and to love their child and to do whatever they can and to give their husband such an amazing gift... I almost cried in the group, I kept it together until my drive home and then when I got home Jack and I just sat at the door and cried.
I feel like such a failure. I feel like I'm being punished for something. If I just stop a certain sin, then I will be able to get pregnant. I don't know what to do. I feel like I am letting God down by wanting this so bad. I feel like I am letting Jack down because he wants to be a father and has always wanted that. He's not getting any younger and I'm scared with what the future holds. I'm terrified that I will never be able to have a child of my own.
I'm overwhelmed with emotions right now and I don't even know what to do. I can't sleep to save my life right now.
.........
so I just sit here. Staring into the darkness wondering if there is light at the end of the tunnel.
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5 comments:
Awe, Allie. I understand where you are coming from with all of your frustration and what not. Its something that we want so bad and there isn't anything more than what we can do to obtain this. I too have felt like a failure and I was paying for actions of my past, but believe me when I say this, that is not true. God has a plan for us, and we just don't know about it yet. Keep your chin up, your time is coming.
I know your frustrations so well. Hang in there, hold fast to your faith. I know it's cliche but God is never going to give you more than you can carry. I know how frustrating and hard it is, and how angry and sad and emotional you get all at the same time.
I'm praying for you, you are going to be a great mother someday and when you get there, it will mean so much to you because you struggled for so long.
There is no way that any of this is your fault or your DH's fault, and going back on BCP does not make you a bad person at all! Just from the short time that I have talked to you on the message boards, I know you will be a great and caring mother.
Allie, the best advice I can give you is to not beat yourself up over this. This is not something you're doing. It isn't your fault.
I suggest strongly thinking about the decision to go back on birth control. If you feel that upset by it, then maybe going back on it isn't right. If you don't like the answers you got from the doctor you saw, find another doctor. And no, I'm not suggesting you seek out a doctor who is willing to do what you want, but find one that you feel is giving you more options. You have to be your own advocate.
My heart hurt for you after reading this post. If it wasn't so freaking cold where you are, I might just have to come up there and hug you. Please accept my e-hug instead.
Thank you so much girls!!
*hugs*
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