things.

It's amazing how much feelings can change from one day to the next. For weeks at a time, I can be super happy and content with life... and then all of a sudden I'm just knocked off my feet and the wind knocked out of me.

Jack threw out his back on Friday and for some reason that triggered this horrible miserable bitch. I didn't want to be around him because he was in so much pain that he was gasping for air. He did it to himself. He lifted his toolbox. His FULL toolbox. I told him not to, I told him that he would hurt himself. And he did it anyway.

So I got mad... REALLY Mad.

Friday night before his back got really bad we went to our normal Friday night dinner, Deb's Coney. They had a fish fry which Jack always gets and I just got some random thing. I had filled out an application there about a week before and hadn't heard anything. We were the only ones in there so Deb came over to me and asked if I had filled out an application there and I told her yea and we chatted for a little bit and then gave me the job.

Saturday morning, I got up early to go to work for my first day. That was a disaster to say the least. This huge 20 top came in all at different times and wanted to order at the same time and the grill there is absolutely TINY and can't handle that volume of orders at once... but these people don't really know what they're doing... come to find out today... that whole situation was blamed on me! I had nothing to do with that!! Apparently they come in and do the same thing every Saturday. But, today when I went in, the owner's husband was like uh you need to do this and that next time, tsk tsk. WTF.

Saturday while I was at work, Jack's aunt gave him some of her perscription percocet to try to help him with his pain. His first pill he took did the trick! He was able to get a lot of things done and then by the time I got home 8 hours later, he was in a lot of pain. So he took another pill and this time he had a bad reaction to it. I didn't want to sit there and listen to him talk about how he was nauseas. Sorry, that's a side effect of pain killers some times, there is nothing I can do for you! UGH. PLUS YOU DID IT TO YOURSELF SO I REALLY don't feel bad.

He was acting like a big baby and his buddy Steve came over to hang out and Steve assessed him and said it wasn't an allergic reaction or accidental over dose, he was just having side effects and didn't like the feeling pain killers give you. After Steve made Jack drink some milk, he fell asleep and Steve and I went and hung out. He took me to the bar in Ortonville and I haven't had that much fun in a long time. We just sat there and hung out and drank a couple beers. I miss having fun. I miss just chilling. I miss smiling and laughing. I'm freaking miserable.

All the while as I drink these 2 beers, mind you I used to drink like 12 in one night... I'm thinking oh my gosh, I should have taken a pregnancy test, I could be pregnant. Silly fucking me. I took one the next morning thinking oh that's cool, I'll get in a way better mood, it will totally be positive. These 2 years we have been trying to get pregnant I haven't drank because I don't want to drink pregnant. Well it's about time I had one hell of a stiff drink. 2 years of infertility fucking blows let me tell you.

I'm done not drinking. I'm not going to go back to my old stupid 19 year old get so drunk you don't remember anything the next day type of drinking, but I'm 24. I'm responsible. And my God. I need a fucking DRINK. How the hell have I handled everything that has gone on with Jack's family sober? All the stuff that's gone on between us... and infertility on top of all that? Someone buy me a gift card for beer please.

I have never thought drinking was "wrong" so don't think that's why I never did it. I just acted like an idiot when I drank... and what 16-18 year old who drinks doesn't, I guess.

Sunday rolls around and I went to a musical that my old high school choir teacher put on at his new High School with a girl I was in choir with since Elementary who moved to Indiana after high school. She was in town visiting her sister and invited me to go too. So it was great seeing her and her husband and their 5 month old daughter and her sister's 2 week old son. It was good for about 30 minutes until she let me hold her and then the music was about to start and she got all smug mom on me. Her daughter wasn't fussing or anything but everyone was complimenting her and saying how cute she was so she wouldn't let me hold her so they complimented the right mom. It wasn't like I was taking credit for it at all I would just look at Ashley and say things like, 'yep she looks like her mom" and Ashley was sitting right next to me, and she would say thank you... so people knew whose baby it was... It just sucked.

I was on my way home from the musical all melancholy and I called Jack to see what he was doing and he was out and about with Steve. I got all upset that he was out having fun and I was miserable and he asked me if I was hungry because A&W was open. I was down for going there but he didn't know what time and I had a 45 minute drive home, so they had time to figure it out. The drive took WAY shorter than I thought it would and they weren't ready when I got back into town so Jack had me go home and in my already emotional state, I felt like I was being dumped and cast aside. So I went home and didn't want to talk to Jack for the rest of the night.

I just felt like crap and wanted to lay in a dark room with the lights off.

I still feel like that.

I hate infertility.

I hate this feeling.

I took a pregnancy test on Sunday night thinking okay, this will cheer me up. I'll be pregnant this time for sure.

hellz to the no.

I don't get pregnant, remember?