Infertility break down

Yesterday was Palm Sunday... and it started like any other Sunday... Me waking up with plenty of time to get ready to go to church. Me laying in bed as long as possible praying I'll fall back asleep and sleep through church. Jack waking up to his alarm and rolling over and shaking me and trying to wake me up. Me pretending to not notice and still pretending to be heavily asleep. Him continuing to shake me and tell me to get up. Me finally getting up in a bad mood.

Then I shower and hope that I miscalculated and now we'll be late and then we won't have to go... but I didn't... and we have plenty of time and I can even let my hair air dry. Then the inevitable... Something really silly happens and I argue with Jack. Then we fight, and then I am safe and don't have to go to church.

Same thing happened yesterday.

Same as every Sunday except this Sunday I cried and cried for hours. I don't want to go to church. I don't want to meet new people because inevitably they will become pregnant and I will still not be pregnant. Our neighbors in Wisconsin just had their baby. There have been so many babies that have been conceived and born in the time we have been trying. Our friends from Wisconsin have a baby who will be one in a few days. We started trying before them. We should have a one year old.

I don't want to go to church because when we met with the Pastor he asked if we had children and we told him we had been trying for nearly two years (it's been months since then and now it's been officially over two years.) and he said well maybe you've not had children yet because God knows what kind of struggles you're going through dealing with Jack's parents. Well what the hell? Now it's Jack's parents fault that we haven't gotten pregnant? Because they have had so many issues letting their son go? You mean to tell me that THAT is why we can't have a child?? Oh wait... Because we are having issues that we are working hard to get through, THAT is supposed to make it less painful that for two years every single day, our heart's desire is to have a child?

I felt like what he said was cold... and spoken like a father. Like someone who has children. Like someone who never had to try to get pregnant. Like someone who will never understand.

I don't want to go to that church because of how I felt like we were really inconveniencing our pastor by needing some sort of help and coming to him. He has 3 huge campuses that he oversees and it feels like he always has some place he needs to be. He literally runs in to his service and then runs out right after to the next church. I feel like our Pastor has too many sheep to be able to herd them all. Which makes me not want to go to his church.

For some reason the ONLY time Jack and I ever have these kinds of conversations is on Sunday morning when we should be walking out the door to go to church. I do want to go to church, I do want to go to a meeting place where all of my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ are worshipping together with me. I do want to hear a message to lift my soul... but my soul feels so empty and bottomless. I am terrified of this coming season.

Two years ago, we came home on Easter after only having moved a month and a half before to Wisconsin. We surprised everyone and we were so excited to come back to visit because we had just started trying to get pregnant. We were so excited and over the moon. The only person I told was my cousin. I had a huge smile on my face that could not be wiped off.

Last year, we came back for Easter again. This time with heavy hearts as it had been a year and instead of coming back with a baby to meet the family we had empty arms. My family is very jabbing and they love to make fun of people at someone's expense. I am generally that target. I cooked the whole meal and set everything up for my whole family at my mom's and the whole day was miserable. My Grandma kept telling me oh don't worry, it will happen. My uncle kept making stupid jokes about adoption. It was miserable.

And now this year. I don't want to celebrate Easter. I don't want to go to a family function. I am certainly not going to my family's function and I don't want to go to Jack's. Unfortunately his aunt and uncle are having the family Easter here and his aunt asked me if I would help cook. I agreed only because I was asked point blank and I'm horrible at telling people know when I'm put on the spot.

I don't want to be here for this Easter and be reminded of how many days have passed. How much time has passed. How my body still doesn't work the way it should. How we still have empty arms.

I don't want to be experiencing all that pain around a family who shows absolutely no compassion for what Jack and I have gone through and are going through every day. Every day is more painful than the last. The only people who are ever compassionate towards us are his Grandma and Grandpa. I would gladly spend the day with them but they aren't the only ones coming. I just don't want to deal with it. I just want Jack and I to be alone somewhere... all by ourselves... dealing with this not under the spot light.

I know that no one really knows how painful this time of year is for us, they only have a general idea.

742 days since I stopped taking birth control and we anxiously began waiting for God to make us parents.

Two years and twelve days.

Just about half the time Jack and I have been together. We have been together since January of 2006. March of 2008 we started trying to grow our family.

God help us.

I cried yesterday because Mother's Day is coming up. That day is so painful that I can't even stomach a phone call to my own mother. I should be a mother. Then Father's day. Jack should be a father. Jack will make a great father.

Why do we have to go through this?

and with such unsupportive families?

Why is it that our pain offends other people. That it will be a horrible offense against Jack's mom if he doesn't call her that day. That day is so unbelievably painful for both of us. He doesn't want to call his mother, she's had 30 years to celebrate being a mother. It's his wife's turn to be a mother. Why doesn't she understand that? Why does she have to be so offended and instead of being supported through our horrible pain and suffering, we are black listed. We are shunned. Everyone is mad at us.

Same for Father's day. My family doesn't flip out and go all irrational being so angry that we don't go above and beyond for father's day. I don't understand how Jack's family can be so unsupportive.

I guess what else can you expect from a family who believes that I should understand if and when Jack wants to go out and find a wife who can have children.

I am so sick of this pain.

I am so so sick of it.

I feel so alienated and alone. I feel like there is no one I can talk to.

My best friend is getting married in May. I want to be able to be excited for her when she and her husband decide to start trying. I want to feel that crazy excitement but instead I know I will be terrified. Terrified that I will miss out on that beautiful part of my best friend's life. How can I go through the joys and sorrows of pregnancy with her? How can I listen to her talk about what she's craving?

How has my life become so consumed?

I wish we could move away again. Have no friends. No one who can get pregnant and leave us in the dust.

That is how I feel.

This is our life.

I hate this so much.