Today was a poopy day

I don't know why but for some reason I got really overwhelmed today.

I woke up at 6am when I took my temperature and never went back to bed. This is not out of the ordinary, usually all summer I am up all day like this with the sun. It's hard to sleep all day when it's a beautiful day outside! I putzed around on the internet and playing games and reading things and checking things and stuff for a while, then I hopped in the shower and spent a few hours cleaning the house and baking some bread for the next few days.

Then I got ready for my interview, I think I did pretty well and I am hoping I get a call back and I get to start next week or the week after.

Plus I have another interview for a different job on Tuesday that would also be super awesome to have.

And when I got home from the interview I just felt overwhelmed. I'm 7dpo and I don't feel like it was a strong ovulation at all. I feel like tomorrow my temperature is going to go down and then the next day and then it will be like I never ovulated at all. I hate this cat and mouse game where I am always wondering what is happening with my body. I hate the fact that this is our first and probably last medicated cycle for a long time because of Jack's pay getting cut in half.

I have recently been incredibly aware and overwhelmed with the thought of all of the people I know and love who are not going to heaven. I am increasingly aware of the surplus of evil in the world today. Not only evil but just flat out blind ignorance. Followers. It's crazy. And scary.

I hate that I have people who got pregnant on accident tell me they have any idea what I'm going through. Or people who got pregnant on their first or second or even 6th cycle trying that they have any idea what I'm going through. Let me tell you, you do not. Unless you have been here, and specifically here... you have no idea. I had no idea when we had been officially trying for 6 months... I have no idea how people who have more painful or more pressing medical conditions than PCOS deal. I have no idea how to deal lately.

I feel defeated.

I have NO idea why this cycle has been my most negative cycle to date... and one would think it would be the most positive cycle since it is my first medicated cycle.

I have been feverishly looking at charts on fertility friend and my temperatures are so low that I have only found 2 other bfp charts that have temperatures like mine. Why are my temperatures getting progressively lower? Is that something I should be worried about?


In other news, my mom flies in for a 5 day weekend tomorrow. I really miss my mom and maybe being around her will really help pull me out of this. The last time she came to visit (Christmas) I was testing and hoping I was pregnant and hoping I would be able to tell her. Alas, I was not. And still am not. I don't know what I will do with myself if I start my period while she's here. She came out last year at this time, over Memorial Day weekend and I was testing and hoping to be pregnant then too and instead I started my period. I remember spending an afternoon trying to hide my tears from her... and at that point I thought I had only been trying for 2 cycles.

Oh sweet naïvety... how ignorance is bliss isn't it?


For the last few weeks almost every day I have heard on Christian Family Radio (what I listen to pretty much all day long) some skit that they recorded pretending to be Hannah while she's crying and praying that God would give her a son and if he would only give her a son, she would give him right back to Him and dedicate Samuel to God. Well, she did conceive a son.

But that prayer that she prays,

And she was in bitterness of soul, and prayed unto the LORD, and wept sore.And she vowed a vow, and said, O LORD of hosts, if thou wilt indeed look on the affliction of thine handmaid, and remember me, and not forget thine handmaid, but wilt give unto thine handmaid a man child, then I will give him unto the LORD all the days of his life, and there shall no razor come upon his head. And it came to pass, as she continued praying before the LORD, that Eli marked her mouth. Now Hannah, she spake in her heart; only her lips moved, but her voice was not heard: therefore Eli thought she had been drunken. And Eli said unto her, How long wilt thou be drunken? put away thy wine from thee. And Hannah answered and said, No, my lord, I am a woman of a sorrowful spirit: I have drunk neither wine nor strong drink, but have poured out my soul before the LORD. Count not thine handmaid for a daughter of Belial: for out of the abundance of my complaint and grief have I spoken hitherto. Then Eli answered and said, Go in peace: and the God of Israel grant thee thy petition that thou hast asked of him. And she said, Let thine handmaid find grace in thy sight. So the woman went her way, and did eat, and her countenance was no more sad. And they rose up in the morning early, and worshipped before the LORD, and returned, and came to their house to Ramah: and Elkanah knew Hannah his wife; and the LORD remembered her. Wherefore it came to pass, when the time was come about after Hannah had conceived, that she bare a son, and called his name Samuel, saying, Because I have asked him of the LORD.

Lord, if only I had half of Hannah's faith... I hope that I can soon know in my heart that what YOU have planned for me is far better than anything I can dream up. God in heaven, I pray that you hear my soul as it aches and yearns to be healed. I pray for every woman who feels anything anywhere similar to what I do. I pray for those women who have been blessed by pregnancy but lost their child before ever meeting him or her. I pray for all of those women who ache this terrible, hollow, heavy, heart wrenching ache of heart and soul. Lord please set our souls free from this bondage of hurting and pain and lift us all up so that we may no longer feel the terrible pain of this world! Wrap your loving arms around us Lord and hold us close to you, a hurt that only You can heal. A burdeon that only You can lift. God help us. I pray for the strengthening of our faith, all of our faith, down here on Earth, those who call God our Father.


The other day I was reading about 9/11 about the man who helped to take down flight 93 before it hit Washington. The one that went down in a Pennsylvania field. Did you know that he was a man of God? When he called to report what was happening and that he was about to attempt with a few other men on the plane to take the hijackers out, that he asked the dispatcher to say the Lord's prayer with him.


This is me saying it with anyone and everyone who happens to stumble on my blog.

I love you. I pray for you all every day.

Our Father, who art in heaven,

Hallowed be thy Name.

Thy kingdom come.

Thy will be done,

On earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses,

As we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation,

But deliver us from evil.

For thine is the kingdom,

and the power, and the glory,

for ever and ever.

Amen.

God Bless you, whoever you are, wherever you are reading this. If you are hurting in any way like I am I am praying that your spirit be lifted and that God gives you just a glimmer, maybe a split second glance at the hope He has in store for you. I always pray that in my dreams He will show me something to give me more hope.


I think that the radio station is God answering my prayer and telling me, have faith, hold on, and most of all, I love you and I am watching over you.