I'm ready now

Today was not a fun day for me, to say the least.

I called my mom and chatted with her for 10 minutes and Jack called his mom too this morning when we woke up. I planned on sleeping the whole day but I woke up at 9:30 pretty awake so that plan fell through. I didn't want to do a thing all day but we went out and finished the rocking chair that I have been working on for a few weeks.


Looks good huh?

It's sort of bittersweet to finish it because now it's just sitting here in the living room as a constant reminder that we got the chair to refinish for the nursery. And... on national you don't have a child and we're going to talk about every woman but you day and even 15 year olds in high school can have children but you can't day... it was just tough. I had very little energy for anything.

Jack got a newspaper for me to search for jobs and to cut coupons and there was literally 1/4 of a page of jobs. This is scary times we live in. It's hard for me to enjoy my household things like being a wife when I feel like I am failing right now by not having a job yet. I have applied everywhere under the sun and not got one call back yet. I have got a few rejection emails (why do they even send those??) but not one other response. :(

We are moving to a new apartment in July. Unfortunately the only way we could get this other apartment was to pay for 2 apartments for the month of July. So our lease here is not up until July 31 and we get the keys to our other place on July 1st. It was all we could do, we had to get outta here! Our new apartment is $150/mo cheaper!

My mom is coming out here in a little less than two weeks. I am hoping that I have a job by then, but then at the same time I wouldn't want to have to take time off right away to be with my mom. *dramatic sigh*

Lord get me out of this funk!!

I am also waiting to O. Not one positive OPK yet. I'm super discouraged and I feel like the 50mg of Clomid isn't going to do anything for me and that makes me cry because we aren't going to keep trying with medication if this cycle doesn't work for a while. I hate today.

I have just sat here so sad.

I have no crib in my home. I have no baby in my arms. I have never known the feeling of a baby growing in my womb. I feel empty. I feel forgotten. I feel broken. I feel like something huge is missing from our life. I hate to see Jack so sad. I hate that Jack longs for a baby too and I can't give him one.

This is my 4th mothers day since we started all this without a child.

How many more will I go through?

Lord help me.