I'm just......

I don't even have words to describe myself right now.

Jack and I have been having some pretty deep conversations lately.

I'm not going to lie... This TTC thing is taking a toll on me in a big way.

I don't even want to say out loud what I'm feeling, not even to my husband, because I loathe the things people say to try to comfort.

Today was an interesting day. I went to the mall and shopping all over with my girlfriend. This girlfriend got pregnant on her honeymoon and is now 29 weeks pregnant. It's kind of crazy to think that I'm going to be going to her baby shower and this baby will be born before I ever get pregnant myself.

I look at the words "I'm trying to get pregnant" and they just look so foreign to me. So far away. So distant. Are those really my words? Have I really been trying for a year?

Am I still waiting to O? It seems like I am always waiting to O.



We're still in limbo about Jack's job. Have no idea if he'll have a job next month or even next week. I'm trying to stay positive about everything that we have going on. I just feel like I don't know which way is up.

I feel extremely weighed down by life.

I feel lost and lonely.

I think it's pretty safe to say that it wouldn't take much for me to just lose it and begin to bawl. I feel like I need a vacation from my problems... but how much more of a vacation could I be on??

Jack's cousin Karyn (who also started trying to get pregnant a few months after me) is due next month. I can't believe she's 37 weeks already. I haven't seen her since Thanksgiving... I have no idea if we're going to be able to go back to Michigan to meet her little baby Lily or not. I have no idea about anything at all.

I know that's taking a toll on Jack, too. We really love each other but I feel like that's all we've got right now. We just have to hold on tight to each other and try not to let life pull us apart.

I thought writing this was going to make me feel better..... but now I feel worse.

I wish blogger had settings like LiveJournal has. Boo blogger.


I'm disabling comments because... well..... I don't want any.