It's been a few days

The last 3 or 4 days have been ridiculous for me. I have had this overwhelming feeling that I was pregnant aaaaaaand 2 hpt's later, I'm definitely NOT pregnant. Bummer.

I keep praying that God will give us a child when we're ready for it and only He knows when that is and I also keep praying that every time we get a BFN we will know and trust that God is doing what is best for us.

It's really frustrating. I was REALLY hoping for a Christmas BFP, but whatever.

We really haven't had enough sex lately anyway. According to my CM I could only be 9dpo and we did have sex the last time it was watery, so who knows.

I know I keep saying this and it's probably getting a little ridiculous at this point, but I really want to get my weight down now. It's almost the new year and my new year's resolution is to lose 50 pounds this year. That is definitely not going to happen if I have a child but I am going to start losing weight instead of trying to get pregnant. Well I guess technically we're not even trying to get pregnant since I'm not charting and we're rarely having sex. Ugh I'm so sick of this whole nightmare. Trying to get pregnant has been everything short of fun. It's been the most emotionally draining rollercoaster.

Jack and I have a lost things to talk about now because all we have going on in our lives really is trying to get pregnant. Everything else in our lives seems to have stalled. We literally don't do anything fun and exciting, we just started going to more movies, but honestly movies are not really a conversation piece. The most talking we've done in months and months was after my dad and his wife came to visit over the weekend because we actually had something to talk about. I realized how much I miss talking to my husband. That was one of my favorite things about him, we have always had so much to talk about until we moved out here. We have very few friends and know very little about the surroundings (still). We don't do anything regularly except he goes to work. We have a dog and a cat. That's about all there is. And at this point we've been trying to get pregnant for 9 1/2 months and after about 6 months of trying there was really not much left to talk about as far as trying goes. We have the baby names picked out for the most part, all the furniture, where we'll put everything, the process we'll go through basically up until they're 18 years old all talked through.

I wish we had more things to talk about.

Now Christmas is 2 days away, I guess if AF hasn't shown on Christmas morning I'll take another hpt and see if by some miracle I will be pregnant, but I have no idea when/if I ovulated this cycle because I did not chart. I only made note of my CM when it was fertile and all other days that I did note it, it was not fertile CM.

My mom is flying in on Christmas day and spending 3 days with us. I'm ready for Christmas to be over. I had really high spirits for the past month and a half about Christmas basically since our Anniversary on November 17th, but I am really losing steam. It's hard to have high spirits for some reason right now. I've been extra emotional in the last week or so and since I'm not pregnant I'd just like to start my period.

My girlfriend who we met when we moved here got married on August 23rd and conceived on their honeymoon. Yesterday they just found out that they are having a little girl. Since about June when we started hanging out a lot, we also started talking about TTC and how she was going to start right after their wedding and how we'd been trying since March and how cool it would be to be pregnant together and yada yada yada... Now since she has got pregnant in August, she has not hardly wanted to hang out with me because to this day I am still not pregnant. I think it makes her uncomfortable to talk about her pregnancy in front of me when she knows we've been trying for a while. And of course she can't relate to the whole "trying" part since it just happened for her.

I am getting less and less fond of botb, and have been on there probably 1/1000th as much as I used to be since we started trying in March. I think I started going on those websites in January or February. Now I just get sad when all these new people get pregnant without meaning to. Or people who didn't want to be pregnant at all got pregnant. Or people who have tried and tried finally get pregnant then lose their babies. There is so much sadness on that website it blows my mind.

I pretty much only talk to the women on the Peace(NT) forum, it's a lot more comforting to only get to know a certain number of girls instead of having random drive by bfp's.


A lot of our families know about us trying and no one ever talking to us about it is extremely depressing. It wasn't as bad before they knew because obviously they couldn't talk to us about things they don't even know is happening... but now that they know, no one in our families will even mention it. Occasionally MIL will say something to the effect of, "I'm knitting a new baby dress." And I'll say, "Oh, for whom?" And she answered, "You're the only one trying, aren't you?" Ugh yeah that's depressing. How many little baby things is she going to be able to knit until we have a child.


I'm just having a dark day I think. I hate hpt's.