Hi...
I've been reading up a storm the last few days. I have read 3 books cover to cover in 3 days! I went to the library 4 days ago and now I'm done with all the novels I borrowed but I just got an email today saying one more in the series came so I might go pick that up today.
Sunday was horrible. Most days are horrible really. I'm sick of feeling like this all the time, just defeated, full of sorrow, and terrified by every situation because people might say something that hurts me without knowing. I had a friend come over last week who accidently got pregnant and she sat there and complained to me for at least an hour about all of her pregnancy symptoms and morning sickness, one would think she would be able to find a different audience for such a complaining fest but apparently not. I told her that I would rather spend the rest of my life constipated if it meant that I could have a child and to pick a different friend to complain to because what she did was in poor taste. She said she was really sorry but it's just so hard sometimes to tell your friends that what they're doing is hurting.
Lindsey and Craig came over for dinner on Friday night and brought Brewer and Kyli and Kyli cried the whole time. I think they were embarrassed and frustrated and in the middle of the whole crying fit Lindsey looked at me and said, "Are you sure you want this??" I wanted to scream. Yeah it looks absolutely horrible to have a child who is crying and you and your husband are taking turns comforting her and she only wants you. Yeah that looks like a nightmare to have a baby who loves you and needs you that much. It looks like a hoooorrrrrible situation to have to watch your husband or wife comfort your little baby and you can just fall in love with them over and over while seeing how much they love your child. Right. yeah. Why on earth would we want that?! What a stupid stupid remark. I didn't say anything to her about it but I haven't really been able to say anything to her since that comment anyway. I always feel like people should be old enough to know not to say crap like that to Jack and I. It just makes us both feel horrible about how ungrateful these people seem to be about their blessed situation. And it would seem like they would be able to find a better audience to complain to than a couple who would do anything in their power to become parents. And would take every single crying minute and be thankful for it instead of complaining about it.
I know that it must be a nightmare to even be around us and truly it's hard for us to be around anyone. Anything people say just hurts. Whether they do or they don't say anything it just hurts. Breathing hurts at this point. I know MIL didn't mean anything by that comment, and I know she didn't know what to say. Every day it feels like Jack and I have less and less people to talk to and less and less support for what we're going through. I know no one can possibly understand the ache and sorrow in our hearts and this in itself is incredibly isolating but the longer we go through this it just feels like the more alone we are.
My dad called me the other day to ask me how I was and as soon as I answered about how we were having a really hard time he changed the subject. My aunt asked me yesterday and I told her that we were having a really hard time struggling with infertility and she didnt even give a verbal response. I'm so hurt by everything that to even be around us is a lose lose situation for pretty much all involved. I'm hurt by what is or isn't said.
I really know all there is to know about PCOS. I have spent more time researching everything than I care to admit and I know everything that could or couldn't happen so I don't need any more reading material. I try to do things to just keep my mind off of all of this since there is nothing I can do right now as I'm just waiting for my cycle to end. I'm sick of all the hormones and on and off birth control from month to month and all the expensive medications. I'm sick of spending money on all this crap. I'm sick of feeling like we are getting no where and I'm sick of spinning my wheels. I'm sick of it all. This is a nightmare and I am ready for it to end.
We always talk about how we know God has a reason for this and then we cry and try to figure out what it is. Why are all of our friends getting pregnant around us? How does that make what we're going through any easier? How is it easy for us to make friends out here and then for them to end up pregnant on accident? On their honeymoon? On birth control. I don't know what God is trying to tell us and we feel so discouraged from unanswered prayers and we just feel so alone. It's not fun to go to church and it's impossible to get much out of the service when there are parents with children everywhere. My mind goes crazy and I can't concentrate on anything that's going on. I see an elderly person and I think, how will we survive if we can't have children? This will haunt us and hurt us for the rest of our lives. How can we get to be in our 60's and never have children and then once we are able to sort through that situation everyone will begin to have grand children... how can I never be a mom let alone a grandma?
Some days all we can do is sit here and talk to each other and think out loud. Is this what God wants for us? Are we truly never meant to rock a crying baby to sleep? Are we just going to have pets? Will we never be able to say "She has your eyes" or "he has your smile" ... Really? Because that's how it feels right now. It feels like this nightmare is never going to end. It feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel and it feels like there is no one who understands the unmeasureable pain we feel every single day. We can't go anywhere or do anything without being haunted by this.
I can't go to the library without feeling like I'm being stabbed because the library is full of mothers who are toting young children around to get library books. We can't go to the grocery store because it is full of moms and dads pushing their children in a cart. The uncertainty of all of this is so heartbreaking. To tell people who ask us questions about when we're having children is heartbreaking.
I went to the chiropractor yesterday and I have heard a lot about wholistic things to help fertility and chiropractic health is one of the things I've read a lot about and as I was about to ask our Dr (who asked about you btw, he said they were out of town and felt horrible they couldn't help you) about that he says that his wife is pregnant. Oh really. cool. Then he asks what about you guys? Are you going to have children? How do I answer that? How do we answer that? What is the right answer? Everyone is uncomfortable when we answer honestly. It's horrible. I really haven't felt any better all this week either. I'm starting to feel like I'm not going to feel better.
Well look at this novel I've already written... we both just have so much pain and really no one to talk to so whenever someone even hints at asking how we are it flows out like this! We have talked about going to our church and asking for a counselor just for someone to talk to to be able to let it out once in a while. I can't imagine how helpful it will be to sit in someone's office with their children's pictures plastered all over the walls. It is hard to talk to anyone because we know barely anyone knows how we feel. And no one we know personally knows anything about how we feel. This is unimaginable pain and sorrow. How come God wants us to go through this is all we keep asking each other.
We haven't had any more trouble with the flag... yet. But we take it in every night and try to just avoid all neighbors.
My girlfriend just told me over the weekend that her daughter is turning 2 on Saturday and she had totally forgot about it so I spent the last few days making her a birthday present too. I made her a crib sized quilt and a hooded towel that I appliqued her innital on the hood. It was super cute and probably my best work to date. I just went to the post office and mailed that today. So for the last 4 or 5 days I have done nothing but read and work on that baby quilt.
I want to work more on that Christmas quilt but I haven't felt like it. I know that quilt is going to be gorgeous and I can't wait to see it folded over the edge of a chair during the holidays but for some reason I am just meh about it. I am tired and I also need to go over and clean out our other apartment. Jack and I made a big trip on Monday and still haven't unloaded it out of the van. I went over there this morning to check and see if the freezer defrosted well, I had put a bag of water in the freezer to freeze and stupid me I put it on the grates of the shelf so it froze stuck to the shelf so it had to completely thaw before I could get it out of there... so we unplugged the fridge and put a towel underneath the shelf in case the bag of water leaked when it thawed... and thank God we put that there because the bag had completely emptied. So I hung the soaked towel over the balcony outside and left. I didn't feel like cleaning any more today. There was a note in the door that they are showing the apartment today between 12pm and 5pm. I hope they like showing a dirty apartment cause I don't even care.
Well I'm going to go back and do nothing again. Jack is going to be home in 3 hours and I hope to at least have the dishes from last night done. Ashley talked to me yesterday and her and her mom and her grandma are going to pick out her wedding dress this weekend. :( I wish I could be there! We have been best friends since we were 8 and now I'm missing her picking out her wedding dresses and trying them on for the first time.
EAA is starting next week and my uncle Jim comes into town on Saturday or Sunday this weekend. Jack and I will be spending a lot of time down in O or in FDL @ My aunt's house visiting. I really wish people from MI could come out for this. My favorite part about the whole week is just hanging out with family all week. Just lawn chairs and nice weather and good food. Ashley and Eric said they might come but she hasn't been able to give me a definite answer so I'm not counting on it. Steve said he was coming out this weekend but I am not even going to worry about cleaning up my sewing and making a room for him because I wouldn't want to waste my time. He's been supposed to come out just about every weekend since we moved here including the one that we moved! He was supposed to be helping us move out here... whatever. I am just sick of broken promises from him. Jack doesn't care but it irritates me for some reason. Maybe because I miss my friends and family so terribly that I assume he feels the same way when he's alirght and doesn't need them as much as I do. I'm such a woman.
Well now that I have written you a novel I should get going. Talk to you soon.
-----
copied from an email I wrote to MIL today. Instead of retyping it I just changed "you" to MIL and she.
I've been reading up a storm the last few days. I have read 3 books cover to cover in 3 days! I went to the library 4 days ago and now I'm done with all the novels I borrowed but I just got an email today saying one more in the series came so I might go pick that up today.
Sunday was horrible. Most days are horrible really. I'm sick of feeling like this all the time, just defeated, full of sorrow, and terrified by every situation because people might say something that hurts me without knowing. I had a friend come over last week who accidently got pregnant and she sat there and complained to me for at least an hour about all of her pregnancy symptoms and morning sickness, one would think she would be able to find a different audience for such a complaining fest but apparently not. I told her that I would rather spend the rest of my life constipated if it meant that I could have a child and to pick a different friend to complain to because what she did was in poor taste. She said she was really sorry but it's just so hard sometimes to tell your friends that what they're doing is hurting.
Lindsey and Craig came over for dinner on Friday night and brought Brewer and Kyli and Kyli cried the whole time. I think they were embarrassed and frustrated and in the middle of the whole crying fit Lindsey looked at me and said, "Are you sure you want this??" I wanted to scream. Yeah it looks absolutely horrible to have a child who is crying and you and your husband are taking turns comforting her and she only wants you. Yeah that looks like a nightmare to have a baby who loves you and needs you that much. It looks like a hoooorrrrrible situation to have to watch your husband or wife comfort your little baby and you can just fall in love with them over and over while seeing how much they love your child. Right. yeah. Why on earth would we want that?! What a stupid stupid remark. I didn't say anything to her about it but I haven't really been able to say anything to her since that comment anyway. I always feel like people should be old enough to know not to say crap like that to Jack and I. It just makes us both feel horrible about how ungrateful these people seem to be about their blessed situation. And it would seem like they would be able to find a better audience to complain to than a couple who would do anything in their power to become parents. And would take every single crying minute and be thankful for it instead of complaining about it.
I know that it must be a nightmare to even be around us and truly it's hard for us to be around anyone. Anything people say just hurts. Whether they do or they don't say anything it just hurts. Breathing hurts at this point. I know MIL didn't mean anything by that comment, and I know she didn't know what to say. Every day it feels like Jack and I have less and less people to talk to and less and less support for what we're going through. I know no one can possibly understand the ache and sorrow in our hearts and this in itself is incredibly isolating but the longer we go through this it just feels like the more alone we are.
My dad called me the other day to ask me how I was and as soon as I answered about how we were having a really hard time he changed the subject. My aunt asked me yesterday and I told her that we were having a really hard time struggling with infertility and she didnt even give a verbal response. I'm so hurt by everything that to even be around us is a lose lose situation for pretty much all involved. I'm hurt by what is or isn't said.
I really know all there is to know about PCOS. I have spent more time researching everything than I care to admit and I know everything that could or couldn't happen so I don't need any more reading material. I try to do things to just keep my mind off of all of this since there is nothing I can do right now as I'm just waiting for my cycle to end. I'm sick of all the hormones and on and off birth control from month to month and all the expensive medications. I'm sick of spending money on all this crap. I'm sick of feeling like we are getting no where and I'm sick of spinning my wheels. I'm sick of it all. This is a nightmare and I am ready for it to end.
We always talk about how we know God has a reason for this and then we cry and try to figure out what it is. Why are all of our friends getting pregnant around us? How does that make what we're going through any easier? How is it easy for us to make friends out here and then for them to end up pregnant on accident? On their honeymoon? On birth control. I don't know what God is trying to tell us and we feel so discouraged from unanswered prayers and we just feel so alone. It's not fun to go to church and it's impossible to get much out of the service when there are parents with children everywhere. My mind goes crazy and I can't concentrate on anything that's going on. I see an elderly person and I think, how will we survive if we can't have children? This will haunt us and hurt us for the rest of our lives. How can we get to be in our 60's and never have children and then once we are able to sort through that situation everyone will begin to have grand children... how can I never be a mom let alone a grandma?
Some days all we can do is sit here and talk to each other and think out loud. Is this what God wants for us? Are we truly never meant to rock a crying baby to sleep? Are we just going to have pets? Will we never be able to say "She has your eyes" or "he has your smile" ... Really? Because that's how it feels right now. It feels like this nightmare is never going to end. It feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel and it feels like there is no one who understands the unmeasureable pain we feel every single day. We can't go anywhere or do anything without being haunted by this.
I can't go to the library without feeling like I'm being stabbed because the library is full of mothers who are toting young children around to get library books. We can't go to the grocery store because it is full of moms and dads pushing their children in a cart. The uncertainty of all of this is so heartbreaking. To tell people who ask us questions about when we're having children is heartbreaking.
I went to the chiropractor yesterday and I have heard a lot about wholistic things to help fertility and chiropractic health is one of the things I've read a lot about and as I was about to ask our Dr (who asked about you btw, he said they were out of town and felt horrible they couldn't help you) about that he says that his wife is pregnant. Oh really. cool. Then he asks what about you guys? Are you going to have children? How do I answer that? How do we answer that? What is the right answer? Everyone is uncomfortable when we answer honestly. It's horrible. I really haven't felt any better all this week either. I'm starting to feel like I'm not going to feel better.
Well look at this novel I've already written... we both just have so much pain and really no one to talk to so whenever someone even hints at asking how we are it flows out like this! We have talked about going to our church and asking for a counselor just for someone to talk to to be able to let it out once in a while. I can't imagine how helpful it will be to sit in someone's office with their children's pictures plastered all over the walls. It is hard to talk to anyone because we know barely anyone knows how we feel. And no one we know personally knows anything about how we feel. This is unimaginable pain and sorrow. How come God wants us to go through this is all we keep asking each other.
We haven't had any more trouble with the flag... yet. But we take it in every night and try to just avoid all neighbors.
My girlfriend just told me over the weekend that her daughter is turning 2 on Saturday and she had totally forgot about it so I spent the last few days making her a birthday present too. I made her a crib sized quilt and a hooded towel that I appliqued her innital on the hood. It was super cute and probably my best work to date. I just went to the post office and mailed that today. So for the last 4 or 5 days I have done nothing but read and work on that baby quilt.
I want to work more on that Christmas quilt but I haven't felt like it. I know that quilt is going to be gorgeous and I can't wait to see it folded over the edge of a chair during the holidays but for some reason I am just meh about it. I am tired and I also need to go over and clean out our other apartment. Jack and I made a big trip on Monday and still haven't unloaded it out of the van. I went over there this morning to check and see if the freezer defrosted well, I had put a bag of water in the freezer to freeze and stupid me I put it on the grates of the shelf so it froze stuck to the shelf so it had to completely thaw before I could get it out of there... so we unplugged the fridge and put a towel underneath the shelf in case the bag of water leaked when it thawed... and thank God we put that there because the bag had completely emptied. So I hung the soaked towel over the balcony outside and left. I didn't feel like cleaning any more today. There was a note in the door that they are showing the apartment today between 12pm and 5pm. I hope they like showing a dirty apartment cause I don't even care.
Well I'm going to go back and do nothing again. Jack is going to be home in 3 hours and I hope to at least have the dishes from last night done. Ashley talked to me yesterday and her and her mom and her grandma are going to pick out her wedding dress this weekend. :( I wish I could be there! We have been best friends since we were 8 and now I'm missing her picking out her wedding dresses and trying them on for the first time.
EAA is starting next week and my uncle Jim comes into town on Saturday or Sunday this weekend. Jack and I will be spending a lot of time down in O or in FDL @ My aunt's house visiting. I really wish people from MI could come out for this. My favorite part about the whole week is just hanging out with family all week. Just lawn chairs and nice weather and good food. Ashley and Eric said they might come but she hasn't been able to give me a definite answer so I'm not counting on it. Steve said he was coming out this weekend but I am not even going to worry about cleaning up my sewing and making a room for him because I wouldn't want to waste my time. He's been supposed to come out just about every weekend since we moved here including the one that we moved! He was supposed to be helping us move out here... whatever. I am just sick of broken promises from him. Jack doesn't care but it irritates me for some reason. Maybe because I miss my friends and family so terribly that I assume he feels the same way when he's alirght and doesn't need them as much as I do. I'm such a woman.
Well now that I have written you a novel I should get going. Talk to you soon.
-----
copied from an email I wrote to MIL today. Instead of retyping it I just changed "you" to MIL and she.
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