it's been a while

wow I didn't even realize that it's been almost a month since I last updated my blog. I come on blogger all the time and read the other blogs but I haven't really felt up to posting myself I guess.

Things have been rough lately. We're overwhelmed with sadness most days and it's so painful to even talk about this journey lately. I hate telling people about it because they inevitably say something really stupid that it seems that after knowing we are struggling with infertility that they shouldn't say.

I'm sick of ttc. I'm sick of infertility.

I have a hysteroscopic polypectomy coming up some time soon. I'm on day 38 of my cycle and I bled for almost the first 3 weeks of it so I'm not sure what to expect for the rest of this cycle. This is an unmedicated cycle and I'm not charting so I have no clue what is going on right now. I don't even care.

I was supposed to have my surgery on Aug 4 but I refused to go on birth control right now. I said um I'm in the middle of my cycle, I can't possibly expect that birth control is going to prevent pregnancy at this point. Gahhh I hate nurses who think they know everything. Oh right, she said later.

So now I just have to call and schedule the surgery for after I start my period. I really don't want to go on birth control again so I think we're just going to chart and pay attention.

I hate ttc. Did I say that yet today?


More people are asking us questions... today my aunt asked me about it. I told her what was going on with us and she didn't even respond with words. She just nodded. Nothing else. Okay... I guess I'll change the subject then?

wtf.


I have gotten a ridiculous amount of rude comments lately too.

An especially special gem from my MIL: I was telling her about how I was terrified to go under the general anesthesia because I had never done it before and also terrified about the 6-8 or so people that are going to be in the room during my procedure and she comments, "well Moose had probably that many people in the room with him today." Moose is their 8 year old chocolate lab who has hip displasia and had to be put out so they could take xrays. WTF. I said, "Well, Moose doesn't have a vagina."

WTF.

Thank God Jack already emailed his mother about this lovely gem, telling her that Moose is a dog not a person and that moose will gladly show is parts to anyone who will rub his belly and that what she said was making light of our situation and minimizing it and it's not a small thing to think about or to deal with or to go through. She of course got defensive and offered no apology to me.


I hate that I even have to deal with situations like this. No one knows what to say to me.

I don't know what to say to anyone any more.

People are on their 2nd children around me now.

I'm getting lapped.


I hate this.